today i feel stronger mentally than i ever have before. physically, not so much, but let’s not dwell on that in this post. this post is about high hopes, dreams, life, people, and the beauty i can currently see and feel around me.
i am realising that i have so much around me, and inside of me. i am capable. of what? i am not so sure, but i will figure that one out one day.
i need to start appreciating the positives in my life.
the amazing, beautiful people i have been fortunate enough to meet, and converse with, those just in passing, but especially those i’ve managed to keep around.
i live in a beautiful house, with a loving family. i know i get the itch to leave, and i know i always will, but this is home, and it always will be, no matter where i am inside my mind.
i for the first time in my life have future goals i am working to achieve. this is a huge sign of me being back on track, and i need to focus on this more.
it’s 12:30 am, and i am sitting in my bedroom with a cup of tea, listening to what i class as some of the most beautiful, inspiring music, and i have a smile on my face. in my past, a smile was rare, now a smile is a common feature on my face.
i am finally learning to be myself, a person who i can admire and love more often than hate. i will always have my flaws, my illness, my problems, but times like tonight make that okay.
And the world’s got me dizzy again
You think after 22 years I’d be used to the spin
And it only feels worse when I stay in one place
So I’m always pacing around or walking away
conversations involving being told certain things that you know will help you to pull through the night. i will always be grateful.
i struggle to class my life as much. after all, i am barely living. i turn 22 in a couple of months, yet i feel like i am still 10 years old. paranoia and anxiety rule my days, spent inside my bedroom, hiding away from society. i can barely form proper conversations these days, i cannot even focus my brain long enough to read a book. i occupy my time watching films, imagining that i am a part of the script. any thing to get me out of my head. i cannot remember a time when my mind was not a mess, a time of clear thoughts. i am beginning to believe that i will never know what it is like to cope with life.
I’ve been sick this past week, and I’ve barely been sleeping. I still feel really run down.
I got a lot of ‘answers’ at the doctors today. Although now it is looking more and more like I will be having the diagnosis that has always frightened me.
i feel okay about my body (hell, some times i love it), on the days i spend at home, in my underwear and a baggy shirt.
then when i put on my clothes to leave the house it all disappears and i feel horrible.
i guess it’s not so much about how my body looks, but more about how uncomfortable i feel.
i’ve always had terrible self-image, i guess it comes hand in hand with my other problems.
i eat a healthy diet, i exercise as often as possible. i am losing the weight, and toning up.
i think when it comes down to it, this is a problem in my head, that will always be there, nagging at my brain, and bringing me down.
