It’s New Years Eve and I am spending it at home, alone. It is 35 degrees (Celsius), and disgusting outside so I don’t really mind. I am cooking vegan lasagne, I’ve got a kilo box of icy poles, and I plan on lounging on my couch and watching The L Word all night. I am such a boring 21 year old.
“I live alone, entirely alone. I never speak to anyone, never; I receive nothing, I give nothing… When you live alone you no longer know what it is to tell something: the plausible disappears at the same time as the friends. You let events flow past; suddenly you see people pop up who speak and who go away, you plunge into stories without beginning or end: you make a terrible witness. But in compensation, one misses nothing, no improbability or story, each too tall to be believed in cafes.”—Jean-Paul Sartre, La Nausée (via twotonmantaray)
It has hit the point where, aside from family, I will only be leaving behind two people. Two people that are real friends. There are others that I might miss on occasion, but there has been zero effort made, so it is now nothing more. Two people. One of which would not even realize, and one who is everything to me.
What’s running through your veins, that’s causing you such pain? Does it have something to do, with the pills they gave to you? What is eating at your soul? Was it the whispering ghost, that left you out in the cold?
But the blackness in your heart, won’t, last forever. I know it’s tearing you apart But it’s a storm you can weather.
It is looking as though I will be spending New Years alone in my apartment.
I have drifted away from most people recently.. I will admit I have been at fault, but not completely. I am tired of life and the way people have become.
I just want him here, now. I want to be in Noosa, and I want being (staying) alive to stop being an effort.
I spent so much money on alcohol this week yet barely drank any myself. Most of it went to my brother because I just didn’t want it. One drink and I felt disgusting and hopelessly depressed. I just cannot deal with alcohol anymore.
I don’t know what happiness is at all, but despite that, I believe I am actually close to it. I think I am still just tired and lost, which is making it hard for me to always notice and feel the happiness.